Lying in our bed, in a haze of Nyquil, I cannot breathe. With a tiny dog behind my head, a monster dog behind my legs and the other at my feet, 4 year old Logan is chattering away about superheroes and the noises they make, giving me examples. I just want to sleep. Having a cold is an inconvenience for the average person. For me, it is life altering. It is hard enough live my life day to day.
The bond hearing in March was a disaster. We had high hopes because it was a brand new judge. We thought Pedro would finally get out, but it ended with only one positive thing, a final court date, May 16. That is three days before Pedro’s 31stbirthday and our 7thyear wedding anniversary.
Two and a half months have passed now. We survived them and during this last week before the final court date, I am a ball of nerves. I want to be happy, hopeful, and optimistic but this year and a half has scarred me. I really, truly do not know what will happen that day. There is so much riding on every word of every witness and every sentence of the lawyer. The words will influence the freedom of my husband. He will be freed or sent to a country he does not know.
On Mother’s Day, we were walking through Duke Gardens and Logan said, “I wish Daddy was here. It’s not fair.” Logan is a wise little soul. The trauma of his father being taken from him has made him more mature and more knowledgeable than his few years should show. The pain in his face when he sees other fathers playing with their sons or when we celebrate holidays and Pedro is not there, it rips my heart out. I never want to see Logan hurt but in the time of Pedro’s detention, I have seen the pain, sadness and anger in his face. It makes me feel so helpless. I want to protect him. I want him to be happy and joyful like other 4 year olds. So I do everything I can, take every action that I can to return his father to him but 19 months has passed and Pedro is still behind bars.
All I want is for Pedro, Logan, and I to have a normal life. Living, working, playing, loving. When we are together again, I will appreciate every touch, every embrace, and every word. Before all this happened, I didn’t. In this time, I have learned that nothing is permanent. Life is so fragile. Everything can change in seconds. While you have your loved ones, appreciate every single second. With that, we continue to wait. Some day, I will breathe again.